just-there

she's coming back.

i'm getting real irritated with myself. yeah. so what? she's coming back? so what? that's the way i regard competition you see. i rather they not exist.

but deeep down i know i care. i care a little too damn much. because i know i'm the lousiest there. and when she comes back i'll still be the lousiest there. i rmb jh excuse when she quitted. cos she knew that she couldnt shine there. cos she knew that there's smth out there that can teach her more stuff, to which she's more passionate abt.

i know i can nvr shine in there. should i quit too? unlike jh, i dont have smth i'm passionate abt. i have nothing. and i'm gg to stay on with this crap cos i have nothing else, no other crap to attach myself to.

she's coming back. she's coming back to shine. and to prove to others that they were wrong, to show them their loss. and meanwhile discredit me. perhaps that's not her main purpose. and somehow, even unwillingly, she's gonna acheive that anyway.

and we all know she belongs here more than me and that i should welcome her back with open arms, after all it's me who did her wrong when i stole her seat away when its rightfully hers. and we all know that i cant be so selfish as shut her out. i've gotta accept her, and atone for my mistakes.

i can pretend that all these competition dont exist but i can really hide from reality that long. it'll come back to haunt me. all those lies. and they will hurt me like they had always done so in the past.

or perhaps this is just a sign for me. to back out now. a chance for me to retreat with whatever pride and dignity i have left.

and in the end it's all just abt pride isnt it?

but i know i cant let him down. and all those others who care. they wouldnt want to see me quit.

but you know what.

i'm feeling a little tired. just a little..