just-there

i know. i have always despised him. but he is my daddy, and will forever be my daddy. how can i despise him? i know. lightning should just strike me down, thinking all these abt my daddy.

but when i see him, i think. this is the man who failed to please my mother. to make her happy. he gambles. he smokes. he does all these things i wouldnt my daddy to do. i dont know. perhaps i'm too harsh on him. he's after all, just a human like me.

perhaps it's just one of those things that just happen when you grow up with your parents hating each other. you get influenced by one of their point of views. in this i got influenced by my mother. she hated my daddy. and i kinda get influenced by her. i started seeing all the bad sides of my daddy.

and you know what makes it all so bad? it's the fact that i love my daddy. just like i know he loves me. and the only thing i wished could happen is that he can change. i want him to change. not for myself. for himself. for my mother. for our family.

it really sucks. i really hate myself. i hate myself for thinking all these.