just-there

i dont know what to do.. can someone pls come and tell me what to do..

but it's wrong isnt it. this is supposed to be just him and me. just him and me. and i still need someone to come tell me what to do.

but i'm so confused. do i like him? or am i just touched by him? am i ready? or should we wait? i need to think. but i dont want to think. and the problem is that he's waiting for my reply. and he's been waiting for damn long. and i shouldnt just let him wait anymore..

if you know you have the ability to make someone happy, will you do it? no matter whether doing it makes you happy or not? and you dont know whether not doing it will make you happy.

like him. like him not. like him. like him not. argh.

this is so irritating. i want to be a nun.

just-there

she's coming back.

i'm getting real irritated with myself. yeah. so what? she's coming back? so what? that's the way i regard competition you see. i rather they not exist.

but deeep down i know i care. i care a little too damn much. because i know i'm the lousiest there. and when she comes back i'll still be the lousiest there. i rmb jh excuse when she quitted. cos she knew that she couldnt shine there. cos she knew that there's smth out there that can teach her more stuff, to which she's more passionate abt.

i know i can nvr shine in there. should i quit too? unlike jh, i dont have smth i'm passionate abt. i have nothing. and i'm gg to stay on with this crap cos i have nothing else, no other crap to attach myself to.

she's coming back. she's coming back to shine. and to prove to others that they were wrong, to show them their loss. and meanwhile discredit me. perhaps that's not her main purpose. and somehow, even unwillingly, she's gonna acheive that anyway.

and we all know she belongs here more than me and that i should welcome her back with open arms, after all it's me who did her wrong when i stole her seat away when its rightfully hers. and we all know that i cant be so selfish as shut her out. i've gotta accept her, and atone for my mistakes.

i can pretend that all these competition dont exist but i can really hide from reality that long. it'll come back to haunt me. all those lies. and they will hurt me like they had always done so in the past.

or perhaps this is just a sign for me. to back out now. a chance for me to retreat with whatever pride and dignity i have left.

and in the end it's all just abt pride isnt it?

but i know i cant let him down. and all those others who care. they wouldnt want to see me quit.

but you know what.

i'm feeling a little tired. just a little..

just-there

i know. i have always despised him. but he is my daddy, and will forever be my daddy. how can i despise him? i know. lightning should just strike me down, thinking all these abt my daddy.

but when i see him, i think. this is the man who failed to please my mother. to make her happy. he gambles. he smokes. he does all these things i wouldnt my daddy to do. i dont know. perhaps i'm too harsh on him. he's after all, just a human like me.

perhaps it's just one of those things that just happen when you grow up with your parents hating each other. you get influenced by one of their point of views. in this i got influenced by my mother. she hated my daddy. and i kinda get influenced by her. i started seeing all the bad sides of my daddy.

and you know what makes it all so bad? it's the fact that i love my daddy. just like i know he loves me. and the only thing i wished could happen is that he can change. i want him to change. not for myself. for himself. for my mother. for our family.

it really sucks. i really hate myself. i hate myself for thinking all these.